Cards

I lay my cards on the table
All it took was your touch
Your warm fingers enclosing mines
Making a fist around my heart

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Lilies

The scent of your lilies has infiltrated

I can smell it in every corner in my home

Even in my bedroom, my safe space

I leave the house bathed in its fragrance

I can smell it halfway across the country for the duration of the day

It haunts me, just like thoughts about you do

Hindering me from concentrating

Dissecting your every word

Rereading every sentence received

And reliving each moment we touch

Tender and soft, just like the petals of these goddamn lilies.

 

 

 

 

 

Rebirth

I’d gotten used to dark rooms

My inner voice rattling in the silence of my mind

My heart feeding me enough blood with its monotonous rhythm to keep me alive

I knew it from the start but I underestimated you

The plan was to keep you at arms length

Feeding you enough to keep it alive

Dimming the fire when it burnt too bright

I can’t remember when I stopped being in control

But I remember the anticipation replacing dread

I remember searching your face for smiles

Allowing you visitation rights in my thoughts

You never overstayed your welcome

You never overstepped the boundaries

Part of me was dying from the anticipation

But most of me was thankful for the sense in all the white noise

I guess it happened in all those moments when I felt no pressure

I was unapologetically myself

And you became my safe space

All it took was being out of my comfort zone

To see you being magnificent in yours

I felt my heartbeat restart its loud wet thumping

Beating in time with the rhythm of your propulsion

It accelerated every time I saw you leave

And it deafened my inner  voice when you returned to me

Concern in your eyes and comfort in your touch

I haven’t desired someone the way I did you,  in that moment for a very long time

After you are blinded by the beauty in the brilliance of the sunlight

How can you appreciate the silence that night brings?

Anticipation is the next chapter in our story

The foundation of my existence for the past year is shifting by the magnitude of your presence

Who will  reveal their cards first?

Drowning

I’m hesitant? I don’t understand why

I’ve never been afraid of the unknown even if it’s just to dip my toes

Looking back I must’ve had a premonition.

People urge me on, to join them, they know I love it

I say “Fuck it.”

I look towards the skies for comfort

I see brightness hindered by gloomy clouds

Gusty winds whip my hair painfully around my face

The air hits my face too quickly for fresh oxygen to enter my system

But, I’m still on my high

I throw caution to the wind and enter running

I stumble and fall but no one sees

I pretend it hasn’t happened

Is this another sign perhaps?

I dive headfirst into the first wave,

It’s exhilarating to make it to the other side unharmed

But although I have sustained no physical injuries, I tire of the relentless games

The tugging, pulling and being pushed in different directions

I can turn around but I’m already wet, I’ve already made it this far

I swim deeper, to the place just before the waves begin to break

I think I’m safe, It’s always calmer just before the storm

A stranger asks if I’m Ok, Are you a swimmer?

I guess I am, I haven’t died yet

“But are you a swimmer?” The words reverberate in the back of my mind

I look back feeling a longing within me, my ties are all left on the shoreline

I shrug it off and try to thread the water which I’m in over my head

I think I’m safe from the waves but I tether from one extremity to the next

No waves to waves at their highest peak of formation

There are good moments of riding the waves

I come out on top with my chest facing skyward

Gracious for this moment of being propelled closer towards the heavens.

I get cocky but I’m so so tired

I see a monster wave coming

I’d rather avoid this battle, I duck below

I dont hide deep enough

It finds me and tumbles me below the surface

I’ve never been hit like this

The world has slowed, there is an engulfing darkness and an aching in my chest for air

A million thoughts rush through my head in that second

I wonder at the stupidity I have brought unto myself

I think about the people who I have left on the shores

And the scariest of them all,

I feel free.

The kind of freedom one gets from knowing that burdens don’t follow you into the afterlife

I chastise myself for giving up so easily

And I propel myself to the surface

The breath of air is the sweetest one I’ve ever tasted

It’s the one that was almost robbed of me.

I’ve had enough of battling tempests

I try to walk out upright with my head held high

But my hands and my knees are shaking and weak

I leave, a changed person.

The Rebound

He catches me staring at him

And I am lost in the depths of his eyes and his innocent face

His unhinged smile makes me feel again

I feel hope, I feel beautiful

I feel my heart beat

I feel alive.

I feel petrified.

My mind runs on you

I remember how easy it was to be accepted by you

I compare

I self destruct

I push him out of harms way as I feel my foundation crumbling.

Gut

It wasn’t like the rest

I almost didn’t give you the time of day

I paused, I decided to stop being shallow and follow my gut

My gut saw intelligence

My gut was grasping at straws

My gut is always right

You told me all the things I needed to hear while I picked up all the pieces of my life

You called me beautiful

But my foundation was unstable

Like a house of cards, ready to be swept away by any sudden gust of wind

I didn’t play any games

I was rash and crude and I refused to be anything other than myself

I thought it would drive you away

But it created unexpected familiarity and intimacy

I put you at the back of my mind

But you fought, you were relentless

I found myself missing you when you were gone and craving the smile that played upon my lips when I saw your name

Dreaming

Imagine a never ending night

A never ending blackness

No stars, no reason

An empty abyss.

A sleep that refused to cure the tiring ache of bones

The pull of gravity crushing down on your chest

Leaving you bedridden.

I squint and I can see the stars

They’re still there, only a farther distance away

I close my eyes refusing to believe the mirage clearly designed for further self destruction

I sleep

And for the first time in months the darkness fades to give way to a dream.