Introverts vs Emotion

 A lot of people accuse me of being closed off or too quiet. Sometimes I think they should be thankful because they really don’t know the rage of comments racing through my mind and the effort it takes to filter each word so that no feelings are hurt and no one is offended. 

It’s something I do to try to be a nice human being. People say they want the raw truth but the fact of the matter is that they really cannot handle it. They need it dialed back a notch and said in a civilized manner. No one wants to be called an asshole. They would rather someone say that the manner in which they are speaking is hurtful and the things that they’re doing aren’t nice.

Sometimes as an introvert I feel overwhelmed. I feel overwhelmed when people attack me. I burn white hot with rage even though the only sign I show is that I am unnaturally still, unnaturally quiet. Sometimes people take this as a sign to keep pushing, prodding, pulling. ANYTHING to get me to show a response or some sort of attention that they need to be recognized. 

Is rage really the emotion you want from me? Is deep annoyance the emotion you wish to receive? My quips and retorts are almost certain to stab like a white hot poker stick. It is because I am quiet. Because you don’t expect it from me. Because I observe instead of acting immediately. A lion uses patience to stalk his prey and discover its weakness in the same way that I observe to know exactly what makes you tick. How to remove one small pebble of weakness from your stack of bricks to make you crumble. 

I have no intermediate when it comes to emotion. It’s either I feel everything all at once or I feel nothing at all. Sometimes I have so much to say, but it goes against my very nature to be cruel. It sticks like a lump in my throat, constricts my breathing and makes my eyes water. Always know that it hurts me more than it hurts you. It hurts me to know that your actions could break off piece of my soul and take me away from who I really am and the person I strive to be. 

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4 comments

  1. Ally · December 2, 2014

    I really identify with everything here. As a highly-sensitive introvert, I am often told that I’m too quiet. I’ve also experienced feelings of rage, while refusing to say anything, because I don’t want to snap and hurt the other person. Thank you for sharing, its encouraging to know that I’m not alone in this 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  2. zhangah · January 22, 2015

    cvjaggers , thanks so much for sharing your experiences as an introvert with such honesty! (Sorry this is a bit of a long winded response/rant)

    I can totally relate! I’ve been told that I’m cold, timid, unapproachable and accused of being antisocial and arrogant. It makes me angry that people can just pass judgement without taking the time to understand you as a unique, complex human being who probably prefers to spend Friday nights curled up with a good book/laptop/sketchpad. I used to resent my friends who push me to constantly hangout, go to events, parties etc. and make a lot of excuses or get so overwhelmed that I just disappear for a few weeks. It got to the point where text messages gave me social anxiety.

    I’m also wondering though if you guys have tried to talk to those who misunderstand you. I’ve been working to be more honest to people about my need to recharge alone and ask if they want to catchup one-on-one over lunch instead of going to that event/party. I’ve realized that maybe the rage comes from anticipating people’s rejection of the introvert aspect of my personality and the hurt that comes from being misunderstood. It’s an ongoing struggle to articulate and reaffirm my boundaries (because I’m supposed to be the ‘nice girl’ – a whole other can of worms) but I’ve been lucky that many understand and have even come out as introverts themselves. For the few that are clueless, well, watch me disappear.

    Any ways, thanks again for putting this out there and all the best to you 🙂

    P.S. Just out of curiosity Are you a Pisces by any chance? 🙂

    Like

    • cvjaggers · January 23, 2015

      Nah, I’m an Aries 🙂 Most of my rage comes from being misunderstood and having people try to make me feel terrible about my nature. Thankfully I have found people who totally understand it and they know how to work around it but there are always the few that continue to push and get wounded when I’d really just rather be alone and because they’re wounded they try to hurt me? I don’t know, it’s so interesting when you think about how different peoples takes can be on situations. Most of the times I just pretend or force myself to be social to avoid conflict though.

      Like

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