A lot of people accuse me of being closed off or too quiet. Sometimes I think they should be thankful because they really don’t know the rage of comments racing through my mind and the effort it takes to filter each word so that no feelings are hurt and no one is offended.
It’s something I do to try to be a nice human being. People say they want the raw truth but the fact of the matter is that they really cannot handle it. They need it dialed back a notch and said in a civilized manner. No one wants to be called an asshole. They would rather someone say that the manner in which they are speaking is hurtful and the things that they’re doing aren’t nice.
Sometimes as an introvert I feel overwhelmed. I feel overwhelmed when people attack me. I burn white hot with rage even though the only sign I show is that I am unnaturally still, unnaturally quiet. Sometimes people take this as a sign to keep pushing, prodding, pulling. ANYTHING to get me to show a response or some sort of attention that they need to be recognized.
Is rage really the emotion you want from me? Is deep annoyance the emotion you wish to receive? My quips and retorts are almost certain to stab like a white hot poker stick. It is because I am quiet. Because you don’t expect it from me. Because I observe instead of acting immediately. A lion uses patience to stalk his prey and discover its weakness in the same way that I observe to know exactly what makes you tick. How to remove one small pebble of weakness from your stack of bricks to make you crumble.
I have no intermediate when it comes to emotion. It’s either I feel everything all at once or I feel nothing at all. Sometimes I have so much to say, but it goes against my very nature to be cruel. It sticks like a lump in my throat, constricts my breathing and makes my eyes water. Always know that it hurts me more than it hurts you. It hurts me to know that your actions could break off piece of my soul and take me away from who I really am and the person I strive to be.