He catches me staring at him
And I am lost in the depths of his eyes and his innocent face
His unhinged smile makes me feel again
I feel hope, I feel beautiful
I feel my heart beat
I feel alive.
I feel petrified.
My mind runs on you
I remember how easy it was to be accepted by you
I self destruct
I push him out of harms way as I feel my foundation crumbling.
It wasn’t like the rest
I almost didn’t give you the time of day
I paused, I decided to stop being shallow and follow my gut
My gut saw intelligence
My gut was grasping at straws
My gut is always right
You told me all the things I needed to hear while I picked up all the pieces of my life
You called me beautiful
But my foundation was unstable
Like a house of cards, ready to be swept away by any sudden gust of wind
I didn’t play any games
I was rash and crude and I refused to be anything other than myself
I thought it would drive you away
But it created unexpected familiarity and intimacy
I put you at the back of my mind
But you fought, you were relentless
I found myself missing you when you were gone and craving the smile that played upon my lips when I saw your name
Imagine a never ending night
A never ending blackness
No stars, no reason
An empty abyss.
A sleep that refused to cure the tiring ache of bones
The pull of gravity crushing down on your chest
Leaving you bedridden.
I squint and I can see the stars
They’re still there, only a farther distance away
I close my eyes refusing to believe the mirage clearly designed for further self destruction
And for the first time in months the darkness fades to give way to a dream.
It happened all at once.
The rays, who’s warmth I had grown accustomed too,
Who’s light danced on my thighs with each sway of the curtain against the gentle breeze
I didn’t see it happening
I only noticed when it was gone
I inclined my face towards its usual source
And I saw its dull glow contained behind the curtains
Held at bay
A shadow playing upon its edges.