Drowning

I’m hesitant? I don’t understand why

I’ve never been afraid of the unknown even if it’s just to dip my toes

Looking back I must’ve had a premonition.

People urge me on, to join them, they know I love it

I say “Fuck it.”

I look towards the skies for comfort

I see brightness hindered by gloomy clouds

Gusty winds whip my hair painfully around my face

The air hits my face too quickly for fresh oxygen to enter my system

But, I’m still on my high

I throw caution to the wind and enter running

I stumble and fall but no one sees

I pretend it hasn’t happened

Is this another sign perhaps?

I dive headfirst into the first wave,

It’s exhilarating to make it to the other side unharmed

But although I have sustained no physical injuries, I tire of the relentless games

The tugging, pulling and being pushed in different directions

I can turn around but I’m already wet, I’ve already made it this far

I swim deeper, to the place just before the waves begin to break

I think I’m safe, It’s always calmer just before the storm

A stranger asks if I’m Ok, Are you a swimmer?

I guess I am, I haven’t died yet

“But are you a swimmer?” The words reverberate in the back of my mind

I look back feeling a longing within me, my ties are all left on the shoreline

I shrug it off and try to thread the water which I’m in over my head

I think I’m safe from the waves but I tether from one extremity to the next

No waves to waves at their highest peak of formation

There are good moments of riding the waves

I come out on top with my chest facing skyward

Gracious for this moment of being propelled closer towards the heavens.

I get cocky but I’m so so tired

I see a monster wave coming

I’d rather avoid this battle, I duck below

I dont hide deep enough

It finds me and tumbles me below the surface

I’ve never been hit like this

The world has slowed, there is an engulfing darkness and an aching in my chest for air

A million thoughts rush through my head in that second

I wonder at the stupidity I have brought unto myself

I think about the people who I have left on the shores

And the scariest of them all,

I feel free.

The kind of freedom one gets from knowing that burdens don’t follow you into the afterlife

I chastise myself for giving up so easily

And I propel myself to the surface

The breath of air is the sweetest one I’ve ever tasted

It’s the one that was almost robbed of me.

I’ve had enough of battling tempests

I try to walk out upright with my head held high

But my hands and my knees are shaking and weak

I leave, a changed person.